It's all alright

I've had a lot of time to think. 
I had already started packing--all the books and the pictures and most of the dishes and some of our clothes. 
People complain about the headache of packing to move.  I know, I'm one of those people, which is why I can say with full confidence that packing to move is not the fullest headache you can have.  Unpacking because the dream evaporated is harder.  Nothing was placed back in its place without a deep sigh from me.  I had to wipe the tears off some things before I could put them away.  It was a long process, and it's still not done.  There are still boxes in my living room and bedroom that I haven't gotten to. 
I spent a good two weeks just feeling sorry for myself.  But things are getting better. 
I've gotten answers in small drops. 
I don't know everything, but I can say with certainty that, much as I loved that house, it was not for us. 
God has a different plan in mind. 
The important thing for me to remember is that He actually has a plan for me.  That means He is aware of me, and of my desires.  That's pretty big, right?  I can't be sad for very long when I remember that He is in charge and He's moving to bring about His will for my life.  When I think about it that way, it's not all that sad. 
A lesson I learned through all this: 
I've been putting my goals on hold until after I got the house.  I realized that I don't have to wait for my dream home to live my life.  I can work to accomplish my goals now. Work with what I have.  Time to pick up those smashed and rotten lemons on the ground and make something out of them.  (It might not be lemonade, but I will make something useful out of them)
So, hard as it might be, I let go of that dream house.  And it's alright. 

When life hands you lemons....

I've never really liked lemonade.  I would maybe drink it if I were lost in a desert for a week or two and had only found a puddle or two to slurp from the entire week, and then suddenly, unexpectedly stumbled upon a group of picnickers who had only brought lemonade--then, I might have some. 
When I was pregnant with Goob, I craved tap water with a slice of lemon in it, but that's the closest I've ever gotten to actually enjoying lemon-ish drinks. 
If someone were to hand me a bunch of lemons, I wouldn't be imagining all the lemonade I could make.  I'd probably use it to make a bunch of cleaners.   Or I would be dehydrating them to make citrus powder.  (I don't even know if that's possible.  But it would be fun to try)

Life has handed us lemons.

I don't like lemons. 

But it's what I have to work with right now, so I have to do something with them. So far all I want to do with these lemons is throw them against the wall and glare at them with an angry scowl.  This is not what I wanted.

Have you ever had a dream you wanted to fulfill Soooooo much?  The hubby and I have.  And we came so close--SO CLOSE!!--to fulfilling a dream, and at the last moment, the dream was snatched from us, and instead...well, we get these stupid lemons. 

We have been house hunting.  But we're not just hunting for a house that'll do.  We're looking for a one of a kind, homestead that will allow us to live our dreams of having a self-sufficient homestead, maybe some animals, a massive garden, and lots of room to roam.  We've been looking for years.  YEARS!! (House Hunters makes it look so easy!)

We found the house of our dreams last month.  It was awesome.  It had everything I've ever wanted in a home.  and I do mean everything.  There was this inlaid mosaic pattern on the front walk way that I adored.  It was absolutely gorgeous.  There was an extra room with built in book shelves that was going to be our library.  There was a place for the table in the kitchen, so the formal dining room was going to be our music room.  I spent hours dreaming about this house--how I was going to fix it up, the paint colors I was going to use, how I was going to landscape, which project I wanted to tackle first, etc.  We spent a grueling month on and off the phone with realtors and bankers, we did everything we could, praying and hoping to be able to make this home our own.  But then, at the last minute, the appraisal value/cost of repairs/lenders didn't match up and the bank wouldn't approve our loan.  Stupid bank.  Stupid appraiser.  We were supposed to close today, but instead of a new house key, I have these awful lemons that I'm not sure what to do with. 

I hate it when people say, "everything happens for a reason" or "everything will work out"  or "someday you will understand why this happened."  I hate it, not because I don't believe it (I know they're right), I hate it because it doens't help me feel better today.  I understand that things will work out and that someday I may even be glad that we didn't get that house.  But right now, all I can think about is MY beautiful house, sitting alone, empty and forgotten; to know that we were this close to making that the staging area for the story of our family just fills me with a loss and a deep ache. 

I don't have answers today.  I don't have a cute little bow to tie this post up with, or even a nice comment to end on a positive note.  I can only say that my lemonade might be made by stomping my lemons into the ground.  Stupid lemons.