Wednesday, March 18, 2015

It's all alright

I've had a lot of time to think. 
I had already started packing--all the books and the pictures and most of the dishes and some of our clothes. 
People complain about the headache of packing to move.  I know, I'm one of those people, which is why I can say with full confidence that packing to move is not the fullest headache you can have.  Unpacking because the dream evaporated is harder.  Nothing was placed back in its place without a deep sigh from me.  I had to wipe the tears off some things before I could put them away.  It was a long process, and it's still not done.  There are still boxes in my living room and bedroom that I haven't gotten to. 
I spent a good two weeks just feeling sorry for myself.  But things are getting better. 
I've gotten answers in small drops. 
I don't know everything, but I can say with certainty that, much as I loved that house, it was not for us. 
God has a different plan in mind. 
The important thing for me to remember is that He actually has a plan for me.  That means He is aware of me, and of my desires.  That's pretty big, right?  I can't be sad for very long when I remember that He is in charge and He's moving to bring about His will for my life.  When I think about it that way, it's not all that sad. 
A lesson I learned through all this: 
I've been putting my goals on hold until after I got the house.  I realized that I don't have to wait for my dream home to live my life.  I can work to accomplish my goals now. Work with what I have.  Time to pick up those smashed and rotten lemons on the ground and make something out of them.  (It might not be lemonade, but I will make something useful out of them)
So, hard as it might be, I let go of that dream house.  And it's alright. 

Monday, March 2, 2015

When life hands you lemons....

I've never really liked lemonade.  I would maybe drink it if I were lost in a desert for a week or two and had only found a puddle or two to slurp from the entire week, and then suddenly, unexpectedly stumbled upon a group of picnickers who had only brought lemonade--then, I might have some. 
When I was pregnant with Goob, I craved tap water with a slice of lemon in it, but that's the closest I've ever gotten to actually enjoying lemon-ish drinks. 
If someone were to hand me a bunch of lemons, I wouldn't be imagining all the lemonade I could make.  I'd probably use it to make a bunch of cleaners.   Or I would be dehydrating them to make citrus powder.  (I don't even know if that's possible.  But it would be fun to try)

Life has handed us lemons.

I don't like lemons. 

But it's what I have to work with right now, so I have to do something with them. So far all I want to do with these lemons is throw them against the wall and glare at them with an angry scowl.  This is not what I wanted.

Have you ever had a dream you wanted to fulfill Soooooo much?  The hubby and I have.  And we came so close--SO CLOSE!!--to fulfilling a dream, and at the last moment, the dream was snatched from us, and instead...well, we get these stupid lemons. 

We have been house hunting.  But we're not just hunting for a house that'll do.  We're looking for a one of a kind, homestead that will allow us to live our dreams of having a self-sufficient homestead, maybe some animals, a massive garden, and lots of room to roam.  We've been looking for years.  YEARS!! (House Hunters makes it look so easy!)

We found the house of our dreams last month.  It was awesome.  It had everything I've ever wanted in a home.  and I do mean everything.  There was this inlaid mosaic pattern on the front walk way that I adored.  It was absolutely gorgeous.  There was an extra room with built in book shelves that was going to be our library.  There was a place for the table in the kitchen, so the formal dining room was going to be our music room.  I spent hours dreaming about this house--how I was going to fix it up, the paint colors I was going to use, how I was going to landscape, which project I wanted to tackle first, etc.  We spent a grueling month on and off the phone with realtors and bankers, we did everything we could, praying and hoping to be able to make this home our own.  But then, at the last minute, the appraisal value/cost of repairs/lenders didn't match up and the bank wouldn't approve our loan.  Stupid bank.  Stupid appraiser.  We were supposed to close today, but instead of a new house key, I have these awful lemons that I'm not sure what to do with. 

I hate it when people say, "everything happens for a reason" or "everything will work out"  or "someday you will understand why this happened."  I hate it, not because I don't believe it (I know they're right), I hate it because it doens't help me feel better today.  I understand that things will work out and that someday I may even be glad that we didn't get that house.  But right now, all I can think about is MY beautiful house, sitting alone, empty and forgotten; to know that we were this close to making that the staging area for the story of our family just fills me with a loss and a deep ache. 

I don't have answers today.  I don't have a cute little bow to tie this post up with, or even a nice comment to end on a positive note.  I can only say that my lemonade might be made by stomping my lemons into the ground.  Stupid lemons.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Mr. Magooberooski

I searched long and hard for a video of Magoo.  I couldn't find it.  I thought I was pretty tech savvy until we got this new computer.  It seems bent on showing me that I know nothing.  It keeps me humble tho'

Here is the proof you've been waiting for. This is my little Goob. 
I'm sure you'll agree that he is the cutest little guy on the planet.

here he is on his blessing day.  His daddy is holding him (I know because I don't wear a white shirt and tie to church).  I Love how bright his eyes are in this picture.
I don't look good in this picture.  Let me rephrase that:  I was getting ready to go to bed when I took this picture.  I have no makeup on, and my hair's not done, but I love the peace that is exuding off my face.  And little Goob looks content as well.  So I guess that's a pretty darn beautiful picture of us.

his first selfie! (don't you think it looks like he's the one holding the camera? he's a selfie protégée!)

this is the face that greets me every morning.  How could I not count my life blessed?!

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Of crawling and resolutions

I'm not sure how to post pics of new little Goob.  The Hubby loves to dink around on his computer, and he recently changed things around to the point that I can't drive it anymore.  The other day, it took me a full ten minutes of hard staring just to figure out how to turn the thing off.  (So either I am that dumb, or it is that complicated.)  I don't know where all my pics went....soooo....sorry.  You don't get to see Goob yet.  (just go back to my earlier posts of The Jelly Bean when he was a baby.  Goob looks a lot like that.)

Goob started crawling on New Year's day.  I remember specifically that that was the day because after a raucous night of our Back to the Future marathon (they travel to the year 2015! It should have been required watching for all people everywhere!)  I stumbled sleepily down the stairs new years morning with Goob in hand to watch cartoons with the kids.  I let the Hubby linger in dream land because he wasn't feeling well (and also because I MADE him take Goob every morning of his Christmas break so I could sleep in--but it's not a sore spot or anything.) For the past week, Goob's been so close to crawling.  SO. Close!  He gets up on his hands and knees, and then chickens out and falls back.  So I set him on the floor and was feeding him little cheerios like a trained monkey when suddenly, it happened!  Goob saw Bogey's breakfast plate on the ground across the way and decided that he MUST have it! He got up and crawled five paces before falling half on top of the plate and licking up the remaining toast crumbs thereon.  I was so proud!  I was so proud that five minutes later when the Hubby sauntered down the stairs, I told him all about it as I was handing Goob over.  Then I went and took a nap.  It was THAT amazing.

The kids and I started back to school again today.  We've had a break since after Halloween, which has been nice, but I'm glad to get back into a routine.  Vacations are nice--Getting back to life is nicer.  Don't get me wrong--I love to lay around for days on end in my pajamas.  But after so long, I start to wish that I was, you know, doing something.

'Tis the season for resolutions.  I am big on resolutions.  Actually, what I think I'm big on is fresh starts.  I love me a fresh start.  And the new year is the perfect time for that.  This year is a little different for me, though.  I am keenly aware this time that I have made many a resolution that has only fallen by the wayside and added to the list of broken hopes and desolate dreams (or something much more dramatic.)  I don't want to keep doing that.  It's not cool to make promises to yourself that you don't keep.  I wouldn't do that to a boss, or a friend.  Why do I get away with doing it to myself?  I want my goals to be feasable.  But I also want them to push me to be better.  (There are SO many ways that I could be better!)   I'm not going to tell you here what they are.  (you're going to have to use your imagination)  Because I don't have them all figured out yet.  But I can tell you what I'm NOT going to resolve to change this year:
1)  I will not resolve to lost any weight! how cliche is that?  did you know that by February, the once packed gyms are now desolate again?  That's only 4 weeks after the new year!  4 weeks!  in fact, 4 weeks is about the average length of time a resolution is kept.  I want to be one of the few...the proud...who keep my promises.  And I KNOW that I am not in any frame of mind to be droppin' pounds.  (I'm still eatin' on my christmas candy.)
2)I will not resolve to be more organized!  Although, I think this is something that could help me out.  And it is something I want to work on this year, I don't know that with Goober being so little and the other kids doing so much that adding organization will benefit my life.  It sounds like an evil plot to get me to drag a bunch of junk out into the middle of my living room, sort it into piles one day and then leave it for month or two until I put it all back.  I don't need that kind of stress.

That's all I can think of.  I'm sure there are more.  like, I resolve not to buy any black leather mini skirts.  or, I resolve not to drink worm smoothies.  or, I resolve not to watch any WWW.  But those are illogical and silly.

Here's to 2015--I think it's going to be a great year!

Monday, January 5, 2015

Back in the saddle

I made an attempt to log back into my blog to check my stats today.

I felt a little like Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle.  You know, the part where he decides to start dating again after his wife has passed.  He sits down at a big desk, pulls out an ancient rolladeck (is that what those things are called?) and starts punching out numbers on a rotary phone.  All the while :Back in the saddle" is playing in the background.  And we all laugh at the archaic way he's going about it.  Can you believe that's how we used to get dates?  I mean, what were we?  Animals?  Clearly not the sophisticated and educated creatures we are now.  

I feel that way because it's been over a year since I posted on my blog.  I got busy (quite literally).

I now have 5 children.  I believe that when you last read of my adventures there were only 4.  You remember Dev, Calvin, Bogey, and The Jelly Bean.  But now we have Mr. Magoo, too.  That's his more formal name--Mr. Magoo--and he is not in the slightest a formal guy (i.e. he likes to stick his little fingers up my nostrils), but I thought I would introduce to you the formal nickname first, so that all the less formal ones to come wouldn't sound so weird.

Mr. Magoo is more often just called Magoo.  Or Magoober.  Or if we're feeling particularly whimsical, he's Magooberooski.  But most days, he's just Goober.   (or Goob, if you've seen Meet The Robinson's and get the reference).  I seriously don't think any of my other kids have so many nicknames.  I don't think any of my other kids combined have as many nicknames as Goob.

But...back to my original thought.  I feel like Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle because I'm back in the saddle.  It took me a full 20 minutes just to figure out how to log in....because the blogging world has up and changed around me while I was dinking around birthing a new baby.  I threw out my rolladeck thingy.  And brushed up on the new etiquette (ever since an aquaintance pronounced that word like eddy-koo-wetty in a speech I say it that way in my mind [and often out loud] and then laugh hysterically and wipe away mirthful tears.  FYI)

Because I'm back in the saddle!  I may be clueless.  And lost.  And maybe a little naive.  and hey, probably no one will read this, but looka here! I made a post!  it took me all night (kids will be up in a few hours) and it may not look like much, but it's a post!