Thursday, April 12, 2012

Hints on the state of Kansas (for foreigners)

I've been in this very obsessively flat state for a little over a month now. Things are slowly coming unpacked (the treasure hunt feeling is lessening day by day!), and it's starting to feel more like home.
In case you are thinking of joining me here, I've compiled a list of hints on the state of Kansas--things I wish people would have told me before I moved here (you're welcome).

(*ahem*searching front shirt pocket for reading glasses**)

Hints on the state of Kansas (for foreigners)

1. buy yourself one of those old granny scarves to tie around your hair-do. That is, if you are one of those old granny's that gets her hair done in a salon once a week and doesn't want it messed up under any circumstances. If you don't tie a scarf around your 'do, it will blow away and be frazzled looking when you reach your destination. On any given day.

2. the tornado siren goes off every monday at noon. That's how they test it, you see. If, on your first monday, you hear the siren and think that the world is about to end, don't call up your new friend in a panic. She'll just laugh at you. Remember: every monday. Noon. Just a drill. Don't panic.

3. There is a significant difference between "tornado watch" and "tornado warning." "watch" means there's a chance. Warning means it's happening. Again, don't call up your new friend in a panic. She'll laugh at you again.

4. Also, while we're on the subject, the tornado siren can also mean, "run out on your porch to see if you can see it!" That's what the natives do. It's like a call to gawk. If you head straight to the basement, you may be labeled a sissy.

5. "town" is at least a 20 minute drive away. Make sure you get what you need while you're there, 'cause it's not like you're gonna wanna run out and grab what you forgot any time of the day. Shopping takes time and effort now.

6. Religion is rampant here. Not that I am anti-religion ('cause I'm not), but the first thing most strangers will want to know about you is what church you go to. And depending on your answer, they may or may not decide to talk to you more.

7. If you hear a loud rattling sound in the middle of the night like your house is about to fall apart, don't leap out of bed in a panic. It's just the sump pump.

8. A sump pump is a device put into a well in the basement to pump the extra water out of your house and into the backyard. It goes off automatically and randomly day or night.

9. Apparently the water table is high here, so when it rains, some puddles won't soak into the ground. They just sit. for days. and don't soak in. (hence the need for a sump pump *see number 8)

10. There are rabbits here. They will eat any garden you plant. Take precautions.

11. Accents are heavily twangy here, with a big emphasis on an "R" sound when there ought not be one. For example, people here "warsh" cars.

12. most people are friendly and happy you're here. Especially in your ward, they'll put you to work right away, and probably ask you to speak in church and give you two callings right off the bat. That's how generous and welcoming they are.

13. The green stuff growing in the fields is wheat, not corn. And don't you forget it.

14. There are no landmarks to guide you when you're lost. People give directions in terms of North, South, East, and West. If you're not confident in your ability to know which direction you're facing, you might want to work on that now. Getting lost on a completely flat terrain is very easy.

15. Sliding down your new stairs may cause the breath to get knocked out of you. Twice. Just be careful, is all I'm saying. They may look fun, but they're killer.

Pictures to come! Welcome back to bloggy world, me!

**I don't wear reading glasses, but I wish I did because then before I read you something interesting, I could swish them on with an air of self-importance. **


Luanne Hardy said...

I can't believe you live there! So crazy. How are the kids liking it? I can't wait to see pics.

Jeigh said...

Wow, I'm going to print out this list for when I come to visit, so I'll be all prepared! I'm with Luanne: pictures, please! Love you!

Evelyn @ Hanging by a Silver Lining said...

Instead of wild pigs now you have rabbits ravaging your poor garden. :( Glad to get an update. You are an adventurous lady! I admire your pioneering spirit.

Murray Clan said...

Well at least you don't have to hike hills BOTH ways ;) Plus rabbits are easier to get rid of then pigs (you CAN shoot them and eat

Who knows what he will say next said...

Yay!!!! Erin you are back. So excited to hear about the adventures in Kansas. I can't find where I put your new email address can you send it to me I have something I really want to send to you. Or call me with it if you get a chance :) :)

craigslister said...

Google swallowed my comment. Guess I get to type it again! Sounds like a huge adventure for your little family. We sure will miss you. Is Kansas your new permanent home, or a stopping place on the way to somewhere else some day?


Sarahie said...

I can't believe I missed this post! So sorry! welcome back. I'm glad you are surviving Kansas. You are awesome.

I think I need to get you a compass to carry with you at all times; maybe that will help with the directions thing.

Love ya!

Suzi Hardy said...

North South East West directions put me in a lather... I much prefer the referenced directions so you can hit specific points and know you're on the right trail. I will put your Kanas list in my 72 hour kit,it just seems to be good advice that might be useful in any crisis situation. I love you