Hints on the state of Kansas (for foreigners)

I've been in this very obsessively flat state for a little over a month now. Things are slowly coming unpacked (the treasure hunt feeling is lessening day by day!), and it's starting to feel more like home.
In case you are thinking of joining me here, I've compiled a list of hints on the state of Kansas--things I wish people would have told me before I moved here (you're welcome).

(*ahem*searching front shirt pocket for reading glasses**)

Hints on the state of Kansas (for foreigners)

1. buy yourself one of those old granny scarves to tie around your hair-do. That is, if you are one of those old granny's that gets her hair done in a salon once a week and doesn't want it messed up under any circumstances. If you don't tie a scarf around your 'do, it will blow away and be frazzled looking when you reach your destination. On any given day.

2. the tornado siren goes off every monday at noon. That's how they test it, you see. If, on your first monday, you hear the siren and think that the world is about to end, don't call up your new friend in a panic. She'll just laugh at you. Remember: every monday. Noon. Just a drill. Don't panic.

3. There is a significant difference between "tornado watch" and "tornado warning." "watch" means there's a chance. Warning means it's happening. Again, don't call up your new friend in a panic. She'll laugh at you again.

4. Also, while we're on the subject, the tornado siren can also mean, "run out on your porch to see if you can see it!" That's what the natives do. It's like a call to gawk. If you head straight to the basement, you may be labeled a sissy.

5. "town" is at least a 20 minute drive away. Make sure you get what you need while you're there, 'cause it's not like you're gonna wanna run out and grab what you forgot any time of the day. Shopping takes time and effort now.

6. Religion is rampant here. Not that I am anti-religion ('cause I'm not), but the first thing most strangers will want to know about you is what church you go to. And depending on your answer, they may or may not decide to talk to you more.

7. If you hear a loud rattling sound in the middle of the night like your house is about to fall apart, don't leap out of bed in a panic. It's just the sump pump.

8. A sump pump is a device put into a well in the basement to pump the extra water out of your house and into the backyard. It goes off automatically and randomly day or night.

9. Apparently the water table is high here, so when it rains, some puddles won't soak into the ground. They just sit. for days. and don't soak in. (hence the need for a sump pump *see number 8)

10. There are rabbits here. They will eat any garden you plant. Take precautions.

11. Accents are heavily twangy here, with a big emphasis on an "R" sound when there ought not be one. For example, people here "warsh" cars.

12. most people are friendly and happy you're here. Especially in your ward, they'll put you to work right away, and probably ask you to speak in church and give you two callings right off the bat. That's how generous and welcoming they are.

13. The green stuff growing in the fields is wheat, not corn. And don't you forget it.

14. There are no landmarks to guide you when you're lost. People give directions in terms of North, South, East, and West. If you're not confident in your ability to know which direction you're facing, you might want to work on that now. Getting lost on a completely flat terrain is very easy.

15. Sliding down your new stairs may cause the breath to get knocked out of you. Twice. Just be careful, is all I'm saying. They may look fun, but they're killer.

Pictures to come! Welcome back to bloggy world, me!

**I don't wear reading glasses, but I wish I did because then before I read you something interesting, I could swish them on with an air of self-importance. **